「 found it on 4:13 AM 」

Disclaimer: I sincerely tell you, this is a deeper part of my life... And anoybody who reads this should deem this as fictional... And do not make any attempts to mimic my life... Becoz no matter wad happens... If you screw up.... You're answerable to your own lord....
Life is in your control, so don't screw it up... And Be yourself


4:15 3rd March 07


2nd March la...


I just arrived home not too long ago... I guess around 45 mins ago....

It was a day which in an extremist point of view... Was really high, and non christian... But fun day... I WAS REALLY HIGH for the day... Doing all kinda crap that most people that knows me, would not expect me to do..

I was feeling pretty fucked during the wee hours of the days.... I couldn't really get my mind straight... And the fear in me that the choice I made to kinda become a WORLDLY man for a day might have me craving more for more WORLDLY moments, and eventually in my "organization"s case would be considered mul-functioning/backsliding....

It would be pretty scary if that happens... I mean my life time goal, vision or wadeva is somethin similar to pastoral... Getting my hands dirty for the people... Build the churches, or sing to a extremely tiny church..... I dun give a shit... it's cool.....

But it's the recent taste of "WORLDLINESS" that really threw me off the track... It's like a kid that taste chocs for the first time.. they just keep wanting it.... Which is pretty scary...

In my point of view... I really don't see any errors with enjoyin my recent pleasures... But i can see how it blocks my current growth path in church to become a cute little CL.. And if i slide back from that position... It's seriously hard... I'm not sure how hard... But i know it's gonna be DOG hard for me to get the credibility of the church to trust me all over...

think about it... What i'm asking for it's a vacation... or like an answer to seperate selfish ambitions, and my own good vision....

How can 1 person who swims and become a champion say that he's doing it for GOD? Is that the way he serve God? Isn't that selfish? You get the big chest and shiney medals... And u say.. "YEA FOR GOD" It's for your own ass U muthaF***ER....

I wanna get Gold for nationals tournament(tkd), for my own future... God glorifying, but more becoz i wanna reinforce my fucked up diploma... Is that selfish?
I wanna be a good entrepreneur that helps the society in wadeva way i can... Hire the less fortunate and stuff... But i wanna earn big money for my family to enjoy luxury that they deserve, and to see my tithe works so significantly, like through my tithe, all the musicians suddenly get an expensive guitar, better keyboards, stage has better lightings, better sound systems.. Is that Selfish?
I want time for myself to find myself... Straighten myself out, and set my path right... Is that selfish too?

I'm blinded for the moment... I feel like i wanna burst out and start on all these mid term goals.. But I fear that God wouldn't be pleased.....

I'm not sure what i want is right or not... I would expect the leaders all who afta reading this blog give me advice like. "Pastoral is the first step" I understand that point... Perhaps i'm a little impatient... My dreams seems ridiculous.... Becoz their ridiculous, that's why they're still dreams right?

I will be on my own... Become a church member only... And get less opportunities to serve God the way I like to get my hands dirty.... Kinda sucky...
Becoz afterall.... I still wish that afta all my "selfish" ambitions are accomplished... I can retire from the world, and go and help Hope Church all over the world plant their churches... Pile the bricks up, and use my amatuer vocals, but great passion and sing to the less fortunate whom i really wish to see one day gathered in all hope churches...

But who would trust somebody who goes out to "seek himself" comes back and becomes some kinda "ANDY STANELY" or "REINHARD BONNKE".

So what can I do now? My final career, vision, dream, goal.. Wadeva the fuck u wanna call it is clear stated in the paragraph above... Seems like I have to in the RAT race for a little while more....

 

The End?