「 found it on 12:03 AM 」

05 Jan 2007


Errr.... Welcum 2007... OOPS....

Ya... 5 days late...

Ok wad did I do?

I remember i slept at 2:45am... And i deliberately set my alarm at 11am so as to make sure i only get 8hrs of sleep.... BUT!!!!! For some weird reason... I remember vadely that the alarm rang, and I shut it up, and switched it off(handphone) then i went back to sleep...

Then i guess about 1hr before i wake up, I have crazy ass dreams.. There's this 1 i was thinking of some thing that really looks like WHEEL OF FORTUNE... LOL.. Finally, Robin called... "Annoying" I thought to myself.. He even asked my granny to wake me up... Everybody noes, not even the DEVIL can wake me up when i choose to sleep.. But my granny can... LOL!!!!

I kinda stoned for a while... I think i was daydreaming... Groggy, then ben called....
"Hello...." Bla bla... Then my eyes open like 1 metre wide, jaw dropped when i realized.. 3pm!

I quickly wash up... and ate... I was like "SHIT MISSED BREAKFAST AGAIN! SURE TO GET SICK, AND LOSE WEIGHT!!! NONONO!!!!"

Afta a misserable lunch... I went to check on my SD, and I thought.. "Yea, it's gonna be sweet, I think my leaders are gonna be quite impressed."

Well, not quite wad I expect...

Lancaster is sick... I prayed for him.. And i also made the prayer that Ben who his replacement for SD will do well too...

We're suppose to split the guys up into 2 groups... But wad the heck.... When i arrived... ONLY 13 People were there... I expeccted ben to say, we combine as 1, and yea.. It really happen... I expect him to also say, eh I help u lead the first part.. And yea he said it too...

But this is the bad part... from the start, before i stepped into CG... IN MY HEART, or in my MIND, I thought, I better show them that I'm not late. And when ben say he wanna co-lead SD, I was like.. AWWWW SHIT!!!!! All the stuff I planned, If he's comes in, I'll be so confused!!!!!! My initial plannings!!! ALL TO WASTE!!!!

Now see here...... Here is pride at work.... U realize that I'm doing something to deliberately impress, or I dunno wad's the word, but to juz do it for the sake that ppl criticize u, so U better do it right for them to see... That is how evil my heart was...

During SD, mid-way when is my turn... I had a mixture of anger and confusion.... I cooled off a bit saying "let me see where I can start" Then i BLAed on...

As i continued teaching, I felt less and less motivated... I tot, NOBODY understands wad I'm saying, I'm messing myself up....

During Worship... I felt angry with myself... I was like... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH...... I really wanted to push my pride down... But on the other hand, it's always like me to show my displeasure... I keep banging this in my head "CLOAK OF A SERVANT!!" Until i couldn't take it... I walked out... This time is not to clear my blocked nose but to walk out and juz pray... I kept praying "LESS PRIDE, MORE CONFIDENCE!" Then i prayed for all the guys to grow... And i prayed for Lancaster's illness to quickly shoo away..

Afta i felt slightly betta.... I went in... Bla bla end...

Afta the CG... I was already expecting Ben & XT to come to me and say, "eh u did alright" well ya, they said that... And i felt really skeptical about it... they both said "U have improved" but i thought, wad's the point of improvement when I can't capture the people's attention and knock the message into their brains like every service???
I juz kinda shook off their encouragment.. But Ben ever persistent... Pissed me off, but he did make sense... It's better to improve than not let anything happen at all...

Then i realize how childish I was... The fact is that, I always liked to be above others, I love improvments, and I use to have the habit of congratulating myself, and even to the extend of giving myself treats from a CAFE as a kinda encouragment...

But now, blinded by self made goals and expectations... I keep thinking, "There's no point for improvment if your improvment dosen't hit a target that's somehwat significant or tangible" And i keep thinking, I'm really lousy... But I remembered this.. God called Noah, when he's one of the shittiest candidate in terms of physical abilities to bring a swarm of isralites to safety.. But God chose him, coz he knew he would obey... GOD CALLS for the UNQUALIFIED...

I'm really gonna try to change that evil self pity side of me.... It seriously makes me look ugly and worthless...


Oh yea right.. TML there's jamming... it's 2:41am now, and I'm still having flu... I hope the Pi Pah Gao works well for me... So that i can sing tml... I really hope that tml's jam will be fruitful.. Like makes us grow closer to one another, and become a step closer in playing like Hillsongs... hahahaz.....

okok go sleep le..


-gonez

 

The End?