「 found it on 2:20 AM 」

28th July post.

It's the 30th alread.. BArbely a week away from my exams... Man... really starting to feel the pressure.. LOL! i slack too much i guess...

So let's see... 28th Aug, claire and gang got me out for a midnight movie, and also to celebrate my bday.. Well.... The night wasn't so good... I wasn't in the mood for any of those stuff at all.. I had to rush to my ex-skool's anniversary, I was late, and got a good lecture by my friend*BF*. Fucked.... Then i came out, waited for ben... man... I really felt like juz telling them... "HEY NOT TONIGHT!" When ben came, i juz managed a little smile... I was really restless.... I had the sick feeling... I wanted to go do something else... Night cycling, or juz get somebody to talk to, through the night... I eneded up being at Wisma stoning....
(The night felt like a senseless walkathon in fancy dress)

Well, guys, dun get me wrong.. .I was pretty touched when u got me that little cake.... I noe I'm appreciated, and I'm sicnerely touched...

There's juz something not right... I didn't feel good.. I didn't like wad i was doing... I sorta needed attention for the night.. I wanted to talk alot and stuff... Instead... I WAS THE QUEITEST*! damn.....

We watched the Lake House... Though I'm really not in the mood for the show... It's a show i desired to watch, and seriously.... It's darn GOOD! LOL.... Based on a korean movie, IL MARE. Same storyline... LOL!!! but it's acted by Keanu Reeves, (I love the matrix... So right after the matrix series, wadeva show he acts in.. I'll assume it's a good film, and will not miss it... HAHAHAHHAZ.... ) The movie was good... But still there were flaws.... First... THE AMBIENCE.... Damn... Msot peeps ard us were all couples... We were like the rowdy bunch.... We should be watching Tokyo Drift or something.. LOL! And... I ordered some fried chicken dang... TOOK THEM BLOODY 1hr to have it done?! And it had to be brought in by BEN. Wad's wrong wif Cinneleisure? Aren't they suppose to be one the "best" Movie Theatre in SG? damn....

After the movie.... Let's see... I felt even worst.... ben left, and so did 2 other members... We were only left with 4 people... And i'm only left with 8bucks... I was super fucked... I wanted to like sit at one of those 24hrs cafe and have a good chat... BUT!!! 8bucks?! wad am i suppose to buy? 1 cup of coffee, and drink it for the next 3-4hours until daybreak comes?

we walked.... and walked..... Surprisingly, we arrived at Little India... at 5:40am... I so damn bored already... I didn't want to walk no more... it's stupid... so i ask the fella's to go into the big food centre.. And ate prata... Then the 3 peeps started talking about their Poly matters... I felt really left out.... Ok not left out... Bored.... and sick... I didn't wanna sit there and here them talk about their ETC. ETc. i wanted to walk out... see the sunrise... have a cup of Mocha and cab back... But we're in little india... HAIZ!!! I kinda snapped... When the conversation took a little break.. I quickly stepped in and say.. "Let's go!"(boy, was i proud) I took 67... and tried to sleep on one of it's crappy little seats... It didn't work... LOL!! Dragged myself down the bus... I really felt glad i was home... The birds chirpped, and i saw little commuters at the bus-stop. it's great to be at the Sub-urbs(I'm saying my area) when the day is breaking in, in a beautiful saturday morning... Whew...

I got home.. bathed... and slept at 7:44am.... I managed to wake myself up at 1:35.. But somehow.. i fell back asleep.. woke up at 2:15..(i mean really sit up and slap myself) And i saw the first motivational message. "Stewart i need u to help me take care of the guys "- Rusty. Woah. I was super glad that my bros and sis felt that i really matured and can handle the team. I was really happy.. Thank god.. And went on to do my stuff... I called the guys to do Evecs... I was late.. I kinda paniced, I took money from my mum's allowance box to grab a cab. And left the house.. Damn... We didn't do any evecs... No one from my group was there... i felt a little discouraged...

During the Praise and Worshipped... The sin really pricked my heart... I almost fell to my knees during the worship, but some girl overwhelmed by the holy spirit, rocked all around the place.. she took a large piece of land for her rocking, and i was cornered by a the auditorium chairs... * really felt like knocking her on the head and ask her to move forward....* I kept praying in tongues and saying sorry.... SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY... LOL! It's a bad sin... really bugged me.. I messaged ben and ask him to pray for me... Not sure if he did... But i know i wanted a clear conscience and a clean character if i was to set myself as an example to my guys... I really wanna see myself change somebody's life... But i always believe in becoming an example and doing wad u want others to do to u... So i was extremely sensitive to it..

Somehow... I felt better as the service went on.... Samuel wasn't there... I felt a little worried... LOL... The only other person from my CG, was KANA.. For some reason, i felt like i was responsible for all of my guys for the moment... I prayed that Samuel will apear, and so will Lik Chun... Apparently, neither came.. But something good happened... Earlier, i was asked by Ben to "escort" his contact to Nexus, the guy apparently decided to take his first step... I was really glad... I felt like affirming his decision.. For some reason.. I wanted to do the followups... After a little conversation after service... Turns out.. He's another sturbbon fello like me.... LOL! *Ben enjoys handling hard guys huh?* I felt that i should share with him a little abt my conversation. For i know guys like him will really help out in god's kingdom... Enthusiastic and really going all out.. Once they break the sturbbon wall... There's no stopping their flaring passion... I'm alittle like that i guess... HAHAHAZ.... So i really wanna like catch up with him.. and show him stuff... He left.. so... yep.. we had dinner...

Then we had a dumn little walk to city hall.. we were suppsoe to head for Esplanade, apparently.... one of the brothers kept complaning... Ben was very annoyed... I felt annoyed too.. they were walking slow annd stuff... Took us almost an hour to reach City Hall.. When on the other hand... I usually only take 20 mins..

Fed up, Ben left, and soon after his departure, they had another never ending discussion about their next destination, they also pissed me off... I too left... I walked towards esplanade.. (from funan) I saw Suntec.. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL... (i'm not mountain turtle) changing lights and the big plasma, i snapped a pic, and walked on.. I arrived at esplanade, upon entering the main entrance I almost gasped wad i saw... Many people in their fancy dress... Whether casual or formal, all in their best stood and walked around. I guess some weird concert juz eneded... I felt like i was being put on the spot. Vans Shoe, Outdated Lee Jeans and some cheap T, were leagues away from Zara Blazers, Timberland pants, Prada Heels and bald head caucasians.

I felt the burn, the same burn i felt so many times to juz be like them... I wanna be carefree... I wanna be cool... I wanna noe that i can stay in the city at any day for 8hours, and i won't go hungry thristy and envy at any moment. And i can drive home after that long relaxing day. But... I felt really kidna demoralized... I realized i haven't been achieveing anything "worldly" significant. I haven't got good grades, and if i dun study i might not get them. I didn't have money... And i was feeling lathargic. My granny words flashed trhough my head. "I'm jack of all trades... but i have mastered non yet." Everything in my life now.... It's just Half past 10. IT's not complete, there's no mastery... And for some reason... With that thought, it didn't motivate me to push on... Instead brought me deeper into the sinking feeling... I have to really learn how to push myself.. And really stand firm, and tell myself, the people and the holy father that i WANNA CHANGE. Not just keep saying, i'm changin, i'm changing, and yet still continue on this path of destruction.. I dun wanna earn 2k a month and sit in a little cubicle like a daytime prison. I wanna see myself motivate myself, take risk... Burn or get rich.... And the least i know worst comes to worst... I'm not in the mercy of employers due to lack of qualification....

So god bless.. i end it here... Coz my neck's killing me... OUCH.....

Good night people...

 

The End?